Facing forward...

My friend Jane (not the one in the song) once told me that I was always looking backwards. It stung, because I knew she was right, and I felt powerless to change. At the time, I wasn’t ready to turn on my heels and face forward. There was beauty and love and security in the past, and I wanted to live there. 
  
My early life was divided into before and after, and I spent much of my life trying to get myself back to before. I attracted people and situations that felt like after, and I would try to turn them into experiences that felt like before. Of course, it never worked... 
  
These days, I find myself releasing the past more and more, not only in my heart, but in my home too. I have been saying, for years, that I am going to go through all of my stuff and shed what doesn't bring me joy, but it has been hard to part with things.  Most of these things are tucked away in boxes and closets, and really don’t bring joy. They actually feel more like a burden. 
  
I am moving in six weeks, and that has been a gift of a deadline. I have to touch everything to pack, so it is a good time to assess and discard. I am on a roll. 
  
Yesterday, I donated ten big bags of books. Although the parting stung a bit, I love the thought of the pages coming alive again for other people, instead of living silently on my overcrowded shelves. 
  
I am touching everything, and if it doesn’t bring me joy, it’s out. This is actually fun! 
  
The thirty-year-old leather biker jacket I bought in my twenties, because it looked like the one Kate Bush used to wear, is up next…   
  
(Somehow, it doesn’t feel like a coincidence, that at the same time, I finally booked a mini tour in the Hudson Valley. I have wanted to play there for years. Rhinebeck and Rhinecliff, here I come! There is even the prospect of an additional show. Things go, and make room for the right things to flow in…) 

Are you facing forward?

4 comments

  • Bryan Abes

    Bryan Abes Kennett square, Pennsylvania

    hey Denise,I find myself facing backwards a lot, and find myself crying over spilled milk if you will. I look back at certain experiences of mine from my past, and wish I could get them back now and make them the way I wish they could have been back then. That's what I'm hoping to do, but what a struggle! So with that, I hafta say I'm facing more backwards than forward. -Bryan

    hey Denise,I find myself facing backwards a lot, and find myself crying over spilled milk if you will. I look back at certain experiences of mine from my past, and wish I could get them back now and make them the way I wish they could have been back then. That's what I'm hoping to do, but what a struggle! So with that, I hafta say I'm facing more backwards than forward.
    -Bryan

  • Denise Moser

    Denise Moser

    I have been there Bryan. I know the feeling. The best we can do is learn from the past and apply that to the present. The past is unchangeable. It's always good to hear from you. My best...

    I have been there Bryan. I know the feeling. The best we can do is learn from the past and apply that to the present. The past is unchangeable. It's always good to hear from you. My best...

  • alisa

    alisa

    Your perceptive self-awareness and sensitivity always amaze me. And also inspire me to look inward more carefully myself, whenever I come to an impasse or dilemma, to try and put my finger on the origin of the issue! So many behaviors we hold close to ourselves for years without examining them, much less acting to change them even if we might benefit from a change. I wish you wonderful good fortune in your new space-- may it resonate with beautiful future joy along with all the best of your old joys!

    Your perceptive self-awareness and sensitivity always amaze me. And also inspire me to look inward more carefully myself, whenever I come to an impasse or dilemma, to try and put my finger on the origin of the issue! So many behaviors we hold close to ourselves for years without examining them, much less acting to change them even if we might benefit from a change. I wish you wonderful good fortune in your new space-- may it resonate with beautiful future joy along with all the best of your old joys!

  • Denise Moser

    Denise Moser

    That is so kind and beautiful Alisa. Thank you... I appreciate that so much! I look forward to a time when you can visit me in my new space. We are overdue for a good long visit.

    That is so kind and beautiful Alisa. Thank you... I appreciate that so much!
    I look forward to a time when you can visit me in my new space. We are overdue for a good long visit.

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